It’s a tale as old as time, the one where a bright-eyed young person marries into a family and boom: conflict with their new mother-in-law begins. Maybe it started with snide comments here and there about your home’s tidyness, or really blossomed when it came to the kids spending more time with your own parents. Neither of you are going anywhere, but it’s hard to know what to do when you dislike your mother-in-law — either to improve your relationship or at least not let her drive you to the brink.

Of course, knowing precisely what to do here depends on why you dislike your MIL. Do you differ politically or religiously? Is she a bit judgmental? Or is she actually emotionally abusive? Once you narrow down what’s eating at you, you can take some steps in the right direction.

What to do if you dislike your mother-in-law

Talk to your spouse about what’s bothering you (and use “I” statements when you do it).

It’s easy for partners to assume the other knows their needs and feelings about certain things, but how often do we really lay them out clearly? Together, you can lay out ways to smooth out your relationship with your MIL.

“For example, if my mother-in-law shows up unannounced and it makes me feel irritated, I might say something like, ‘I feel frustrated when people show up unannounced. What I need moving forward is an adequate heads up.’ When we use “I” statements, it gives us the opportunity to say how we feel. And a lot of times, ‘you’ language can be a bit detrimental. If I say ‘you make me feel…” often that will lead to a pretty escalated situation,” Stacey DeLanoit, PsyD, licensed psychologist at Baptist Behavioral Health in Jacksonville, Florida.

Practice the STOP technique.

DeLanoit says when your MIL makes a passive-aggressive comment about your house being untidy, and you feel your anxiety or anger start to rise, STOP. It goes like this:

• Stop
• Take a breath
• Observe
• Proceed

“Anxiety likes to go fast; it likes you to jump on the train and just roll,” she says. Allow yourself to stop, take a breath, and observe. ‘OK, this is making me feel irritated; this is triggering me.’ And then I proceed. ‘Maybe I need to remove myself, maybe I need a timeout, maybe I need to ask my spouse to come have a side chat in the chambers with me.’ Whatever the case may be, it’s just about assessing the situation. What is not going to help is meeting reactivity with reactivity.”

This may not be a way to stop the passive-aggressive comments long-term, but it can help you keep the peace at a family gathering until you can get home and figure out next steps.

Be willing to talk to your mother-in-law about it yourself.

It might feel easier to let your spouse handle their own mother, but DeLanoit says it can create a “triangulating dynamic” that just increases the friction. With her own client, DeLanoit had the person write an unfiltered letter to their mother-in-law — not to send, but to bring to therapy. Then, together, they figured out “assertive, effective ways” to say what needed to be said.

Start by connecting with your MIL and stating that you see the good intention behind their actions. “My mother-in-law was watching my kiddo while he was eating breakfast, and he had an apple and started choking because that’s what toddlers do,” DeLanoit says, sharing her own experience. “So she finger-swept his mouth, and I came out and I was like, ‘What’s going on?’ She’s like, ‘Oh, he was choking, and I finger-swept his mouth,’ and I wanted to be like, ‘We don’t finger sweep. That’s not what we do.’ I could have escalated, but I used that situation to say, ‘Thank you for intervening. Moving forward, this is what pediatricians recommend. We’re doing back blows in a choking situation.’”

Maybe for you it might be a little tougher. It’s hard to see the good intentions behind a snide comment about the cleanliness of your home. But DeLanoit says 99.9% of mothers-in-law don’t roll out of bed in the morning with the singular goal of ruining your day. It’s worth having an intentional conversation to see how you can improve your relationship going forward.

How to tell if your mother-in-law is actually toxic

The word toxic gets thrown around quite a bit these days. Psychology Today says you know someone is toxic when they don’t respect boundaries and manipulate, abuse, or drain those around them without remorse. How do you know when your relationship with your MIL is actually abusive versus just… not being each other’s cup of tea?

“Any time we’re interacting with a parent or an in-law and it leaves you feeling exhausted, if it creates more stress than it creates neutrality or joy, I would say that would be an indicator to step back and assess the situation,” says DeLanoit. If you arrive at the conclusion that your MIL truly is toxic, it’s probably helpful to seek out a counselor for guidance. They may not be able to make the relationship better or turn your mother-in-law into a saint, but they can certainly help you navigate difficult situations and care for yourself along the way.

Whether you’re MIL is mostly just a PITA or if she’s truly toxic, know that there are steps you can take to either improve the relationship or put some boundaries in place to protect your sanity.