When you’re in the trenches with young kids, it feels like it will never end. There is no end in sight, and any kind of a break seems so far off it’s better to not even think about what you’d do with any spare time. Well, I’m here to tell you that the old saying is true, it does go fast. Yes, I used to roll my eyes when people said that stuff to me, too. It’s still true.

But here’s the thing that I’ve realized now that my kids are older and living their own lives: When they were little, I knew exactly what my purpose was. I knew exactly how our days needed to be scheduled in order to keep everyone from having a meltdown. Of course, I’m not a magician, and I don’t possess any kind of special powers that kept this from happening all the time, but I knew basically how much sleep and food and water my kids needed. I knew if we were over-scheduled, the day would end badly… and that the same thing would happen if we were under-scheduled.

I was a mom with three little kids who depended on me for a lot of things and I was happy in that role. I loved it and didn’t want my life to be anything other than it was.

Now that my kids are out of the house I find myself alone a lot more, and I’m feeling pretty lost. What the heck am I supposed to do now?

It’s pretty damn strange to go from cooking for a family of four to eating dinner alone. There’s nobody to wake-up for school. I don’t drive my kids around much anymore. It’s hard to get them all together for any kind of event or activity.

My kids handle every aspect of their lives on their own, as they should. They work, they travel, they have significant others, they have hobbies and friends.

There were days I longed for this kind of freedom, but I didn’t know it would come with this emptiness. I didn’t know that it would have me guessing what my purpose was. Before kids I knew exactly who I was and what I wanted to do in life. I had a solid plan and took the necessary steps to make things happen. And when I had kids, I knew the goal was getting through the day.

Now I’m floundering a little bit. It’s been a lot harder than I thought to fill up the extra space and figure out the best way to spend my days, and allow myself to dream about the future. My kids breeze in and out. I have a lot more time on my hands, which is wonderful, but if I have plans and one of my kids decides to come home, I want to cancel everything so that I can spend time with them.

On top of that, my parents are getting older, so that’s always in the back of my mind. My body doesn’t feel the way it used to, and I certainly don’t have the energy to plan out this second half of my life with the vigor I had in my 20s when it seemed like the world was at my fingertips, anything was possible, and I had so much to look forward to.

Or maybe it’s just that there seemed to be so much structure before. So many steps, and now I’m looking out onto a blank canvas and I have options. Almost too many options. I can get a new job. I can sell my house and buy a condo. I can travel. I can start five new hobbies. Honestly, I’m not sure where to turn.

For so long, I was a mom. I still am of course, but that role has drastically changed for me.

I guess it’s going to take me some time to figure out what my purpose is now. And that’s perfectly okay.

Katie lives in Maine with her three kids, two ducks, and a Goldendoodle. When she’s not writing, she’s reading, at the gym, redecorating her home, or spending too much money online.