It can be hard to know how to help a friend after they have a baby. You want to help. They want you to help. But neither you nor they really now what a new parent needs, at least not specifically. So it inevitable comes down to you sending a “Hey, do you need anything?” text and them eventually replying with “Thank you so much! We’re good!” even though, actually, there’s a whole lot they could probably use help with but their sleep-deprived brains can’t think of what that is at the moment.

But TikTok user @lilybchapman recently created an excellent “how to” video based on the wonderful things her community of friends and family did for her following her emergency c-section and, honestly, we should all be taking notes.

“If there’s one thing that having a baby will do for you, it is make you realize how inadequately you have shown up for the other women in your life that’ve had a baby,” she begins. “I was induced, so I thought I had my home prepared to bring my baby home, but then I had an emergency c-section, spent four days in the hospital, and realized that, in fact, I didn’t have my home ready at all.”

She then takes us on a montage tour of her apartment, complete with an adorable banner and welcome note…

Some of the things that helped her most included…

• Stocking her house full of easy-to-reach snacks and drinks, including loads of her tried and true favorite (Pop Tarts)
• Stocking and cleaning her refrigerator with more of the same
• Paper towels within an arms reach all around the house (IYKYK; I personally recommend the ones that feel cloth-like)
• Gifts of researched items recommended by another friend who’d had a c-section left just outside of her door (like a “grippy thing” to help her reach items without having to sit all the way up; again, IYKYK)
• Helping her re-arrange her house to be more accessible for someone who’s just had major abdominal surgery

But one of the things she’s found most helpful is “specific help”— “Hey, can I do this for you” versus “Hey, is there anything I can do to help.” One friend, for example, saw a social media post of hers indicating she might be in need of slippers and sent a text asking “Can I overnight you some slides?

Chapman acknowledges that both offers are very kind, but specificity can go a long way because she knows she needs a lot of help, but she doesn’t always have a great grasp on what she needs.

“All this to say: help your friends when they have a baby and thank you to my friends.”

Comments tended to break down along the lines of people who had similarly lovely experiences to Chapman and people who wished they had.

One commenter wrote that they were so impressed by how much Chapman’s friends had stepped up for her, to which she replied “Every mom deserves to feel this way and it breaks my heart that so many don’t.”

But hopefully, showing such concrete examples of support, care, and friendship can help the rest of us step up the next time one of our postpartum friends needs us… or vice versa, because we all deserve such a village.