by Jamie Kenney

TikTok

Most people who have blended a family together — whether we’re talking about merging two separate families or simply finding your footing in your partner’s family unit— will probably tell you there’s a learning curve. At best, it’s a little weird stepping into new traditions and existing paradigms, and at worst it can be a trial by fire. And TikTok creator Erin Bruce, a mom of four, has some great and truly unique advice for how to go about finding the right person to do that with.

“I always told my kids that whoever you marry is going to make the family gathering on Christmas morning better for 50 years or worse for 50 years. You are not just choosing someone that you are attracted to … You’re choosing someone that’s going to enhance or destroy Christmas for the next 50 years.”

Fortunately, she says, her two married children have chosen wisely. “It’s better when their spouses are there. … They’re peacemakers. They add a lot of joy and fun, and great conversation. They’re great listeners, they bridge things, they ask questions, they bring joy, they’re not moody, they’re positive, they’re helpful. So when you’re looking for someone you’re looking for someone that does all those things for the family.”

Honestly, we’ve never thought of it that way, and it really does offer a fresh but useful perspective on starting a life with someone. Now, granted (as some commenters have pointed out), you can’t choose someone based exclusively on whether you think they’re going to blend well with your family: you’re starting your own family unit. But hopefully they’ll still be involved in your family and traditions. Moreover, it’s less about how they vibe with your existing family specifically but more about how they vibe in situations you hope to enjoy moving forward.

Many commenters agreed, either from positive experiences or negative ones.

“I was married less than a year,” reads one comment. “The Thanksgiving and Christmas I had while married were two of the worst days of my life.”

“I have deep regrets of not thinking about this when I got married at 23,” agrees a second. “I was so young I didn’t realize it.”

And, some more good advice, “Before you go falling in love with him, find out if his mom is nuts,” suggests one commenter. “My MIL made a lot of Christmases worse.”

Seriously, we lost count of all the horrid mother-in-law comments: truly, it’s something to take into consideration!