Birthdays are huge in our house. I don’t mean huge like elaborate, over-the-top parties where I have a “balloon budget” — I just mean we make a big deal out of it. The birthday person gets dinner of their choosing; I’ll make whatever cake they want or take them to pick one out; they get a whole birthday table set up in the morning with presents and decorations. Basically, they get a whole day that belongs to them, where they’re calling the shots.

I’ll say it, though — birthdays matter to the siblings of a birthday kid, too. And I’m a big believer in letting the birthday kid’s brothers and sisters enjoy the day just as much.

But maybe not in the way you’re thinking.

Recently, TikTok content creator Cecily Bauchmann came under fire for sharing a video in which she celebrated her 11-year-old daughter’s birthday by allowing all three of the birthday girl’s younger siblings blow out the candles on her cake.

Other TikTok creators immediately started stitching the video into their own responses. The overwhelming response was basically that she did her oldest wrong. She should’ve told the younger kids it wasn’t their day or their moment to blow out the candles.

But I absolutely advocate for my daughters to be involved in their sisters’ big moments, especially birthdays. For us, that doesn’t mean blowing out each other’s candles (frankly, one person breathing all over a cake is bad enough.) For us this year, as my oldest turned 10, that meant letting my 5-year-old be in charge of wrapping the presents, even if some of them did not look as picture-perfect as I hoped. It meant letting her and our 2.5-year-old daughter pick out a gift for their big sister, even if it was something super random. It meant letting her put the candles in her sister’s cake, and then wrapping her arms around her as soon as she finished blowing them out.

It meant letting her love on and celebrate her sister, too.

My husband and I make a big deal out of our kids’ achievements, even the smallest ones, like when we walk in the family room and realize our toddler picked up all of her blocks without being asked. We give them daily bedtime affirmations, making sure they know how important they are and how special they are. They watch us pour love into them with our actions, and why wouldn’t we want them to do the same thing back to each other?

Sibling jealousy is real, sure. And on birthdays, things can get especially hairy with kids wanting to pick a snack or a movie when they realize the birthday kid is making all the decisions. But in those moments we tell them no, it’s not your day; we can also tell them yes, this is your day. It’s your day to celebrate one of your best friends, one of your siblings, and it’s your job to make them feel so happy and loved and special.

Because if there’s anything I’ve learned from being a mom, my kids love being cared for, but they love caring for others even more.

So give the siblings a job. Don’t let them pick the birthday kid’s cake, but let them cover their sibling’s eyes when you bring it down as a surprise. Don’t let them plan out the birthday festivities, but ask them if there’s a specific moment they want to share with the birthday boy/girl — like reading to them at bedtime or having a dance party — and find a way to fit it in. If your other kids ask, “Can I help?” when you’re wrapping the gifts, just give them some tape and a gift.

The birthday boy/girl won’t appreciate sharing their birthday wish with their siblings, but they’ll feel all the love and joy of their sibling excitedly handing them a cupcake they frosted all by themselves — and knowing they did it just for them.