After I separated from my ex-husband, I thought a lot about how we would celebrate the bigger holidays like Christmas and Thanksgiving. We talked about it and agreed we’d split Thanksgiving, he’d have the kids on Christmas Eve, and I’d get them on Christmas. We somehow forgot about Halloween.

That first year, Halloween fell on my ex-husband’s night, and I had no idea how hard it would be to be away from my kids. I never cared much about the holiday before, but, it turns out, there’s something about seeing the magic through the eyes of my kids. I absolutely loved making their costumes, taking them to the annual Halloween parade and festival, and then trick or treating on a crisp night.

But after the divorce, my ex and I had to do our best to find a way to co-parent through this day. It was important to us to make sure our kids didn’t feel like their lives had been turned upside down, so every year, we asked them how they wanted to spend their Halloween. I think it’s more important for the parents to bend in this circumstance and let the kids voice their needs. They didn’t ask for their parents to split up, and they were the ones who had to go back and forth between homes. So, if Halloween fell on my night with them or their dad’s night with them, it didn’t matter. They got to decide how they wanted to spend it.

If that meant we had to divide and conquer to get them to a party or take one of them trick-or-treating, that’s what we did. We never did anything together with the kids, but I would have if they’d asked us, and I know my ex would have, too. When my kids weren’t with me, I stayed busy.

I didn’t realize how hard being alone on Halloween would be. If you think about it, it’s a huge family day. When your kids are young they can feel just as excited about it as Christmas. On that first Halloween without them, I cried for hours. I missed them terribly. I missed the memories. I missed our traditions. After that, though, I had to pull myself together.

Now, I make plans with friends or schedule something nourishing just for me, like a massage. Having a good new show to watch or a good book helps pass the time, too.

Communication is critical when you co-parent, especially over the holidays. Emotions run high — yes, even on Halloween — and you have to plan and communicate as best you can with your co-parent so that your kids don’t get caught up in any misunderstandings. Ensure you both know what to expect that day so there are no surprises, delays, or arguments over who is doing what.

Realizing Halloween is for your kids, not for you, is a great takeaway. Yes, we can feel sorry for ourselves and miss our kids. But there are only a handful of years when Halloween means a lot to them. It’s about having fun, letting them use their imagination, and letting them be kids without worrying if their parents are okay. Let Halloween be a day for them to be kids and get lost in the magic.

My ex and I always tried to do a small kindness for each other, too: if one of us wasn’t with the kids, we either got together for pictures or sent them to each other. It’s a way to make each other feel included.

Co-parenting has a big learning curve, and I’ve made some mistakes. But this has worked well for my ex-husband and me for seven years, and I’m proud of us for always making sure our kids have a great Halloween. Even if these holidays seem insignificant to us, they mean the world to our kids.

Katie lives in Maine with her three kids, two ducks, and a Goldendoodle. When she’s not writing, she’s reading, at the gym, redecorating her home, or spending too much money online.