I remember watching my firstborn son waddle around the beach a few weeks after his first birthday. He wandered around the sand a bit before making his way over to a pair of brothers who were building a sandcastle. The scene was one from a storybook: mom and dad sitting in their chairs enjoying some light conversation while their two sons, around 4 and 6 years old, worked together to create a creative and well-structured castle as they smiled and laughed.

At that moment, the baby fever crept its way in, and I thought to myself, wow — two years really seems like the perfect age gap. And turns out boy, was I wrong.

While there are glimmers of a unique relationship between my now 11- and 9-year old boys, raising them with a two-year age gap has most times felt very far from perfect. Since my second son arrived, their dynamic has felt stressful, contentious, and — above all else — loud.

Raising a two-year-old toddler with a newborn is like being a lion tamer with one arm and minimal sleep. The energy required to keep up required me to be the Olympic version of myself in every way. Taking care of an active toddler and a baby was a lot and exhausting. I was sleep deprived, hormonally imbalanced, and living in a postpartum fog. The fact that we survived those early days, the three of us at home together all day counting down the hours until my husband got home to help, is an absolute miracle.

Then my younger son learned to move around while my oldest was learning to exert more independence and trying ever-more death-defying tricks. As you can imagine, this resulted in less-than-safe situations. Like the time I took them to an indoor swimming pool, and the baby crawled out of his car seat and almost made his way into the shallow end while I was moving quickly to prevent my toddler from jumping off the high lifeguard chair into the deep end. Every day felt like a version of Jumanji where my two sons engaged in dangerous and outrageous behaviors while I tried to keep them both alive.

Nowadays, they have a little bit more basic self-preservation. But what hasn’t abated is the noise. For the past nine years, the volume of our house has been off the charts. Granted, we added two younger sisters to the mix (with a little more of a gap between their ages) but the boys are responsible for a large majority of the noise. As toddlers, they played roaring games of WWE wrestling and “crash-cars.” They spent their summers with friends playing pool basketball in the backyard that echoed through the entire neighborhood. And now they spend their nights watching sports, cheering and chanting so loudly for their teams as I remind them that their sisters are trying to sleep and are not actually at Alabama’s Bryant-Denny football stadium.

But the biggest issue is and always has been the arguing. Because when I watched those two brothers build that sand castle, I was motivated to have another kid so soon to provide him with a built-in bestie. Instead, I created Batman and the Joker.

While they both get along with their sisters and peers, the frustration they bring out in one another is truly unmatched. And despite all of my best pump-up speeches, punishments, and rewards, I can’t seem to reconcile their relationship. Of course, there are moments where I quietly catch them playing catch or laughing at the same joke, but overall, it is a challenging relationship to watch, parent, and be around. And it’s such a bummer.

So, while those brothers on the beach seemed like the perfect pair, I wonder if I just caught them in one of their own few-and-far-between moments. Because while the two-year age gap is so common in families — it can also be really, really hard. And I think it’s important to be honest about that. I am here you don’t ‘get caught in the fairytale because it’s gonna be a sh*tshow.

Samm is an ex-lawyer and mom of four who swears a lot. Find her on Instagram @sammbdavidson.